The Preacher Takes a Wife

Preacher’s Wife Picked Up By the Police!

Somewhere in Kentucky.  


The Preachers’ wife waspicked up by police, and Matilda Farnsworth was on the scene.

“Prices sure have skyrocketed,” stated M. Kay Miller when questioned about the incident on December 9^th involving the preacher’s wife and the police.  According to Halleluia Holler Reporter Matilda Farnsworth, Ms. Miller was referring to gasoline. The incident began when the preacher’s wife who had been ill for some time had become dangerously anemic. Good semaritin that she was, Miss Miller was attempting to provide transportation to the Doctor’s office which was located an hour and a half from the Preacher’s Wife’s residence.

Miller had been up until 2:00 a.m. grading papers the night before what was to be a quick trip into Lexington and back. No one can blame Ms. Miller for taking complete leave of her senses and allowing her hemoglobinally-challenged friend to take the wheel at 6:00 a.m. so  she could snooze in the passenger seat. “The mentalpausal woman was in no condition to drive herself, so I let her drive me instead,” stated the judgmentally impaired Miller, who reminded the 

preacher’s wife to keep her eye on the gas gauge. 

“I think we have enough to get us there,” was the last thing Miller said before drifting off into a well deserved slumber.

According to Mrs. Palmer, they were bebopping down the Mountain Parkway, and it was an uneventful trip until somewhere between Winchester and Lexington the car began to jerk and sputter, and when it became painfully clear that they had gone about as far as they could go, the preacher’s wife pulled the car off to the side of the road and woke her friend.

“How long has that gas gauge light been on?” asked Miller, looking down at the light but attempting not to panic. The preacher’s wife thought about it for a moment and answered her friend. “Um, I think it just came on.” “Then it is most likely the alternator,” Miller said as she traded places with the preacher’s wife,  revved up the motor and stepped on the gas once again.  Passersby reported seeing the car move a whole two inches before coming to a dead stop. “Let’s be grateful for those two inches,” stated the preacher’s wife, attempting a smile, when out of nowhere there appeared a set of blue flashing lights.

Lexington police officer Jim-what-ever-his-name-was, told Matilda Farnsworth that he was on his way to work when he noticed the maroon minivan containing two women who appeared to be acceloratorally challenged and were going no where.

When he learned that the preacher’s wife was in route to what might turn into a possible emergency surgery, he did what any other chivalrous boy in blue would do and offered the preacher’s wife a ride, which is when the preacher’s wife was picked up by the police. The drawback, according to Matilda Farnsworth, was that Officer Jim had a rather large canine cage in the back, minus the dog, but nevertheless taking up the whole back seat, and since there was only room for one of the two women, the preacher’s wife was the chosen party. Leaving Miller on the side of the road, Officer Jim radioed for help and drove off with Miller giving him a last word of advice; “Do NOT allow the preacher’s wife to drive your vehicle, you could find yourself stranded.”

Not long after the preacher’s wife was picked up by the police, she was deposited on the doorstep of the doctor’s office just in time for her appointment, however she soon found herself at the hospital being prepped for surgery.  Later catching up with her friend via telephone, the preacher’s wife who was still at the hospital reportedly asked  “What’s wrong with the car?”

“They think it is the alternator.” Miller answered, which brought a sigh of relief from the groggy but still concerned preacher’s wife. Well thank the Lord we didn’t run out of gas, she thought to herself.  “I’m not in the habit of leaving my friends in the dusty trail,” she told Farnsworth, only to answer another phone call from her friend a half an hour later. “You are worthless,’ stated Miller.

“So what’s your point?” asked the preacher’s wife.

“It wasn’t the alternator,” exclaimed Miller, “we were out of gas.”

“So this means I’m not driving us home?” asked the preachers wife in attempt to interject a little humor.

Gauging from the climate of her friend’s tone of voice, the preacher’s wife, who by this time was weak but still coherent enough to worry, reportedly asked “How mad are you?”

“Well, let’s just say that $100 for a tank of gas is a bit expensive,” answered Miller. The preacher’s wife said that she could read between the lines.

The day was not a complete bust, however; according to Miller the preacher’s wife had to endure the pain and suffering of emergency surgery. Finally, something Miller could enjoy. And as an added bonus, she could now start a rumor in town that the preacher’s wife had been picked up by the police.

“You can’t buy entertainment like that,” Said Miller.

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Judge Sited for Involvement in False A-Rest, Preacher’s Wife Flees Scene

The Honorable Judge “Mac” Adamia was sited last night for false a-rest. In an exclusiv interview, the Judge told Holler Reporter Matilda Farnsworth that at approximately 1:00 a.m. he was awakened by a phone call from the Presbyterian preacher’s wife. “That’s where the false a-rest came in,” stated McConnell. I was under the false impression that I could take a rest.”

According to Judge Adamia, the preacher’s wife who worked with him at a local volunteer agency phoned him in a panic, asking if his wife had any knitting needles, stating that she had hidden three pennies in a cake that she had decorated earlier that evening for the retirement party for the Executive Director of another charitable organization. He explained that the preacher’s wife told him she intended to poke holes in the cake with the knitting needles, hoping to hear the pennies clink. This would enable her to pin-point the exact location of the pennies, carefully remove them from the cake, and then repair it without causing too much damage to the decorations.

When asked why she had put pennies in the cake, the preacher’s wife told the Holler that when she and her husband lived in New Orleans, the bakeries put a plastic baby into the King Cakes during Mardi Gras. “That’s where I got the idea to put pennies in the cake, she said, “You know, a penny for luck”. She added that who ever found the pennies in their cake would have good luck.

Insiders report that when the preacher learned what his wife had done, he pulled the car over to the side of the road and began speaking in tongues. “Why, I’ve never had such a tongue lashing in my life,” the preacher’s wife told the Holler. 


“He was worried that someone might choke or break a tooth. I knew he was right and that I had better get those pennies out of that cake, and that’s why I called the Judge.”

The Judge reportedly woke his wife who produced a handful of knitting needles, and then met the preacher’s wife at the door in his pajamas. Stated the Preacher’s wife, that was when the siting occurred. “The judge was a real site in his pajamas,” she said. Adamia stated “I handed over the knitting needles and wished her lots of luck finding those lucky pennies.”

The Judge, who was unable to deny any involvement in the incident, issued the following warning to local law enforcement stating: “There is a woman running around town unattended. She will try to tell you she is a pastor’s wife, and that she works with me. Be warned. This woman should not be turned loose on an unsuspecting public. Do not attempt to apprehend.”

When pressed for details, the preacher’s wife stated that while she was able to locate one of the pennies, two were still lost somewhere in the cake. She further stated that she had poked so many times that the cake looked like it had been shot with a machine gun, and that was when she fled the scene with the cake in the trunk of her car. Within moments the police had closed in on her. As she tells it, she was sitting at the stoplight when policed pulled up in a cruiser and stopped beside her. 


“This is the first time I have ever been stopped by the police,” she said, then added that she rolled down her window and asked if they had a metal detector with which to scan her cake. The officers said that they were not equipped to handle such emergencies, further adding that they were referring to her, not the cake.

Fearing certain public humiliation for her husband and his church, the preacher’s wife pleaded with the officers not to disclose the incident. They assured her that her secret was safe with them, and then drove directly to the nearest patrol car to tell all. “You just can’t trust the local police,” she stated.

In late breaking news, it was reported that the preacher’s wife said she knew right then and there that the pennies would have to be surgically removed, so she headed straight for the hospital, where a nurse met her at the door with a gurney, wheeled the injured cake into x-ray, and located the missing pennies which were immediately extracted. Fortunately for the preacher’s wife, within 3 hours the cake in question was redecorated just in time for delivery to the party.

According to the preacher, his wife had been out all night when she finally phoned at approximately 7:00 a.m. stating Hallelujah that she had been saved, and referring to the pennies, she simply added “Let’s just say that once they were lost but now have been found.

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